


i don't just want love, i want you

by iwasfollowingyou



Category: The West Wing
Genre: (for like 5 minutes), Confessions, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, M/M, idk how to tag this, samjosh GAY, they're in love, uhhh fuck aaron sorkin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-10-09 05:34:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17400980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwasfollowingyou/pseuds/iwasfollowingyou
Summary: It happened once in a while. Every few months, they would end up together again, in Sam’s bed or Josh’s, it never really mattered, and spend one night wrapped around each other, then silently agree to never speak of it again.(or, sam doesn't let himself fall in love. he doesn't need to talk about it.)





	i don't just want love, i want you

It happened once in a while. Every few months, they would end up together again, in Sam’s bed or Josh’s, it never really mattered, and spend one night wrapped around each other, then silently agree to never speak of it again. It became routine. They knew each other as well as they knew themselves, could make a map in their minds of the other’s body, every dip and curve and scar and freckle. But they didn’t talk about it.

Their lives were all ebb and flow, back and forth, like waves on the shore of a Connecticut beach in mid-February. Pushing, pulling, freezing, burning. Like the flow of the Potomac underneath a familiar bridge, the place where they had first met, the place where Sam had been screwed from the very second Josh had smiled at him and opened his mouth to introduce himself. Everything around them changed, but they stayed constant, like an oak tree with its roots so deep in the ground that not even an act of God could convince it to move. Josh and Sam. Sam and Josh. It didn’t need to be discussed. They just made sense.

Sam wouldn’t admit to himself that he was in love. Because love didn’t fit. They weren’t built to fall in love, not with each other, not now, not in this lifetime, not in this universe, not ever. _Sam_ wasn’t built to fall in love, because whenever he did, the universe played some cruel trick on him. Being in love with Josh would tear him apart. If he allowed himself to be in love with Josh, the rhythm would be disrupted. If he allowed himself to be in love with Josh, he wouldn’t be able to survive on one night every few months. He wouldn’t be able to stop himself from begging Josh to stay, to come back the next night, to keep coming back again and again every night until Sam had explored every single centimeter of his body three times over, and then come back again. But he didn’t talk about it.

If Sam allowed himself to be in love with Josh, it would destroy him.

It was cold. Christmas lights lined the trees outside Sam’s bedroom window. His bed had been covered with an extra blanket, but it had been discarded along with the duvet when he and Josh had stumbled into the room, laughing into each other’s mouths and tripping over one another as they undressed, fingers stumbling over buttons and fabric getting stuck as it was pulled off their bodies. Easy. Simple. Routine. Them. They didn’t have to talk about it.

Josh was asleep for now, bare chest rising and falling slowly. Just enough light came in through the window that Sam could make out Josh’s features. He looked younger while sleeping. The worry lines he had accumulated over the years working in the White House smoothed out and the bright, young, excitable man Sam had met so many years ago appeared. Sam’s gaze traveled over Josh’s face and down his body, taking in all he could. Within the next few hours, he knew, Josh would wake and mutter something about needing to go before gathering his things and leaving his side of the mattress cold.

Josh’s side. Sam’s side. He knew he shouldn’t think of it that way, that it only led to him viewing Josh as a permanent fixture in his bed, but he couldn’t help it.

Sam retrieved the blanket from the floor and laid down, spreading it over them. Josh hummed in his sleep and turned towards Sam, reaching out an arm. Sam closed his eyes and cuddled in close to Josh, sighing contentedly as Josh’s warm skin met his. He drifted off to the steady sounds of Josh’s breathing, head tucked against his neck.

Sam was nudged awake by Josh trying to slip unnoticed out of the bed. He rubbed his eyes and looked up.

“Hey, sorry, didn’t mean to wake you up,” Josh whispered. He ran a hand through Sam’s hair, and Sam leaned into the contact.

Against all better judgment, he murmured, “Stay.”

“I can’t.”

“Just for tonight.” He wrapped his fingers around Josh’s wrist, gentle but firm. “Please.”

Josh sighed and nodded. He settled back in and wrapped his arms around Sam’s waist, pressing a kiss to the top of Sam’s head. This wasn’t a bad decision, Sam tried to convince himself; he wasn’t letting himself fall. He was going to be fine. This wasn’t going to change anything. He wasn’t coming any closer to being in love with his best friend. Josh staying didn’t make this any different than any other night. Josh’s arms around him, strong and warm and familiar and foreign at the same time, wouldn’t alter their cycle. They wouldn’t need to talk about it.

The bed was cold when he woke up again. Sunlight was streaming in through the blinds, bright lines falling across his bed. Sam yawned and stretched, trying to ignore how large the mattress felt without Josh’s weight next to him.

It didn’t change their routine. Work went on, business as usual, though Sam had to be extra careful not to let his shirt collar shift too much and reveal the red mark Josh had accidentally left too high on his neck. They didn’t talk about it, because there was no need to. Until they were getting ready to leave, and Sam was ready to risk his entire life, and he knocked on Josh’s door.

Josh looked up. “Hey,” he said, smiling. “I’m just about done. You wanna walk out together?”

“Yeah.” He waited a moment while Josh gathered his things. They both said goodbye to Donna and a few other people that were still hanging around. Just before they got to the gate, Sam mustered up the strength to ask, “Will you come home with me?”

Josh turned to him, eyebrows furrowed. “I don’t think—”

“Please.”

It worked again. Josh relented, and they got a car together to Sam’s apartment. Once inside, Josh hooked his fingers into Sam’s belt loops and pulled him in, his kisses deep and slow and needy. Sam moaned softly and tangled his fingers in Josh’s hair, all thoughts flying out of his head the second Josh’s tongue teased its way into his mouth.

They made their way to Sam’s bedroom. Before they could go farther, though, Sam pressed his hand against Josh’s chest. Josh paused.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I just... nothing. I’m okay.” He mustered a smile and kissed Josh again, guiding them down onto the bed. 

“Sam,” Josh whispered against his mouth before pulling away. “I can tell something’s wrong.”

“I’m fine.”

“Can you do me a favor and not lie to me? I deal with professional liars all day. I’d like it to be different when it’s just us.”

 _Just us_. Sam swallowed hard. He shook his head. “Seriously, Josh. It’s fine. There’s nothing wrong.”

“Sam...”

“I don’t want to do this anymore.”

Josh looked taken aback, but nodded and released his grip on Sam’s shirt. “Okay, okay. That’s fine. I’ll go.”

“No. That’s not — that’s not what I meant. Shit.” He sighed. “I don’t want to do the one night stand thing anymore.”

“One night stand?” Josh furrowed his eyebrows. “Sam, is that what you think this is?”

“I don’t know what else to call it! Friends with benefits? I don’t know. Whatever _this_ is.” He gestured hopelessly between their bodies.

“What’s wrong with it? I thought this worked for us.”

“It did. It does. It—”

“Sam, c’mon, out with it.”

“I can’t just spend one night with you anymore. I can’t stand it. We fuck once, then I spend the next couple of months thinking about you so much it hurts until it happens again, then the cycle repeats itself.”

“Damn, I figured I was good, but not that good,” Josh teased softly. Sam hit his chest. 

“I’m being serious, asshole.”

“Okay, okay.” Josh’s expression changed immediately. “I’m listening.”

“I want... I want to be with you, okay?” He felt his cheeks flush. “For real. I don’t want this to be our routine. I want to actually be with you and get to stay with you and kiss you and not feel guilty about falling in love with you.”

Josh froze, and Sam realized what he had just said. His eyes widened and he began stammering, not knowing whether he should apologize or just take it back or try to find some way to explain away the statement.

“Falling in love with me?” A light smile played at Josh’s lips. Sam opened his mouth, but was interrupted by Josh’s lips on his.

“Josh?” he whispered breathlessly as they pulled away.

“I want that, too. I want to be with you. I want to be with you so damn badly it hurts.”

“I’m sorry?”

“I’ve been in love with you for _years_. I thought you were never going to realize.”

“You... you’re in — what?”

Josh laughed quietly and pushed Sam back onto the bed, straddling him and kissing him fiercely. Sam moaned quietly and grabbed Josh’s shirt, pulling him down closer and raising his hips up against Josh’s, eliciting a groan.

“I’ve loved you for so long, Sam. I’ve loved you since before all this even started. I was gone for you the day I met you. I’ve been surviving — _barely_ surviving — on just this for so damn long, too. I want this. I need this. I need _you_.”

“Josh,” Sam breathed, kissing him again.

“I’m in love with you,” Josh muttered into the kiss, then pulled away just enough to speak clearly. “I’m so fucking in love with you, Sam Seaborn. You have no idea.”

“Thank God,” Sam smiled, “or else this was going to be super awkward.”

Josh grinned and attacked his lips again, teeth and tongues mixing in as he brought his hips down against Sam’s. Sam tugged at the bottom of Josh’s shirt, and he broke away to pull it over his head. Before he could kiss Sam again, Sam spread his hands across Josh’s torso, staring at him. He could slow down now; he didn’t need to absorb as much of Josh as possible in one night. He didn’t need to store these images, these feelings, these touches in his mind until Josh brought him home again. Sam was home _now_ , in every sense of the word. He brushed his fingers over Josh’s smooth, pale skin, tracing the line of his hipbone and then moving up to his ribs, touch light as a feather. His fingers skipped over the scar below Josh’s heart, the slightly raised skin where Josh had been torn open and stitched back together. He connected the dots between the freckles on Josh’s chest, forming constellations over his skin.

Josh was shivering underneath his hands, goosebumps covering his arms. He brought his hand up to Sam’s face, knuckles bumping across his cheek. Sam leaned into the touch. He let his eyes close for just a fraction of a second, before he opened them again to take in more of Josh, hands sliding down his sides, then around to settle on his lower back.

“Sam.”

“Josh.”

“ _Sam_.”

“Josh.” They whispered each other’s names like they were each saying a prayer. He looked up to meet Josh’s eyes. Josh was blushing slightly, and Sam felt himself go warm. “I love you.”

Josh smiled. “I love you.”

“I love you,” he murmured again. He wanted to say it over and over and over again until his throat was raw and he couldn’t say it anymore. He needed Josh to hear it. He needed to hear Josh say it back a million times. He needed keep repeating it, because he was in love with Joshua Lyman, and it wasn’t going to ruin his life. He was in love with Joshua Lyman, and he wanted to talk about it. He was in love with Joshua Lyman, and fireworks were exploding inside his chest. He was in love with Joshua Lyman, and Josh was kissing him roughly, hands pinning him down by the shoulders, fingers digging into his skin. He was in love with Joshua Lyman, and Josh was going to stay with him, fall asleep in his bed and hold Sam close to his chest the entire night, and Sam didn’t have to lie awake thinking about what Josh would say before he left again. He was in love with Joshua Lyman, and it was going to be okay, because he was in love with Joshua Lyman, and Joshua Lyman was in love with _him_. 

And when he woke up the next morning, the first streaks of dawn painting his room shades of orange and pink, casting shadows across Josh’s body, his chest rising and falling with each slow, peaceful breath, and across his face, his eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks as he dreamed, Sam could be in love with Joshua Lyman, and the world wasn’t going to end.

**Author's Note:**

> as usual the title is from a song ("old eden" by honeywater (my samjosh playlist is really good if i do say so myself)). uhh yeah leave kudos and comments if you want to make my day :D and follow me on twitter @samuelseaborn


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